Goodies. And Baddies.

This does not tend to feature in the marketing of mindfulness!

I was so cross when I received that email! It was the latest salvo in a long, back-and-forth saga. Within moments I was penning a reply in my mind. I wanted to hit straight back. I also knew that the passive-aggressive words I wanted to write would add fire to the flame. I have lived to regret a hasty email. More than once. There is genuine folk wisdom in that old advice to 'count to ten' before reacting. Though sometimes we need a lot more time!  Against my instincts, I made a decision to wait until the following day before replying. 

I tried ranting about the issue to my partner, which didn't help and can't have been pleasant for him. I somehow needed to manage this unpleasant state of mind within myself. So I did my best to be present in the moment. To be aware of the rising tension in my body. The repeating thoughts telling a thinly disguised story of "I'm right, you're wrong!" Their self-righteous, 'high-horse' tone. I noticed how reluctant I was to feel the underlying vulnerability.

I got on with my day and tried to focus on other things. Later, my body felt calmer. The tightness in my chest and throat continued flare up, but with longer gaps between. The outraged thoughts had lost some of their energy. 

Later still I reread the email. It turned out to be tamer and less confrontational than I had remembered. There was something humbling in recognising that I had overreacted. The following morning most of the anger had drained away. I began to feel a tad ridiculous. (I have noticed before, feeling foolish when an indignant mood passes.) I typed a reply that I hope was both honest and reasonable. The decision to wait had been a good move.

Also, encouraging myself to experience that uncomfortable kickback had helped it to dissipate. However squirmy, there was value in owning the less honourable aspects of my reaction. Recognising my unappealing sides helps me to know myself better.

With a regular practice of mindfulness, we meet the whole range of our responses. The best and worst that we are capable of. Moments of peace and compassion rub shoulders with irritation and resentment. We need to be prepared to meet our darker sides. This does not tend to feature in the marketing of mindfulness and meditation! We should talk more about the benefits of owning up to our unwholesome impulses. It fosters authenticity. It helps us to be more tolerant and less prone to blaming our own shortcomings onto others. It also releases the emotional energy that would otherwise be caught up with our attempts to avoid the dark side within.

I am fortunate to have been on many meditation retreats over the years. On retreat, we spend hours witnessing the workings of our own mind and heart. We are free to explore, safe in the knowledge that we are not in a situation to act on any harmful urges that arise. We learn to sit with our difficult feelings, rather than act them out. Retreats have their peak moments. I have touched into full-flowing love, contentment and joy. Yet I have also experienced extreme ill-will. On a memorable occasion, naming my emotion as murderous rage shocked me. The most uncomfortable experiences have sometimes brought the greatest insights. Acknowledging my shadow sides, I am less quick to judge others. I am a little more whole.

I enjoy a classic drama with clear goodies and baddies. I like to identify with the good guys, as though I too am brave and wise. I prefer not to associate myself with the bad guys. I don't like the idea that I too might be aggressive or greedy. Even if that is in more subtle ways than your average Bond villain. But in my quieter moments, I am willing to admit that I'm not all hero. The odd thing is, that is a valuable and healing experience.